Five years later... and I still feel the same.

So often we look past our own beauty.
We look past what we offer to others.

Let's stop parading over what others bring to our lives and instead understand the true beauty within ourselves.

I offered you peace.
I offered you adventure.
I offered you sincerity.
I offered you laughter.
I offered you my secrets.
I offered you security.
I offered you hope.
I offered you stability.
I offered you loyalty.
I offered you uniqueness.
I offered you a family.
I offered you true love.

I offered you myself.

I'm only sorry that it wasn't enough for you.
Or was it too much...

Hang in there..

I am currently working on my next blog post, so hang in there with me. I hope that it is something that everyone can enjoy, although it is rather opinionated I suppose. It's just something that appeals to me mostly, but has an underlying message that I'm sure everyone can at least relate to. I'm pretty excited.

Penny for your thoughts?

I am thinking… about several different things. I always have random thoughts crowding my mind. I’m thinking about my need to get an apartment close to work and school, my desire to change my clothes and take a shower that way I don’t smell like spoiled milk anymore, the fact that I don’t want to work until six this evening and miss out on playing tennis and walking through the park, and of course some other arbitrary bullshit.

I am thankful for… my life. I understand that my response is very broad… but it’s the truth. Most of the time, I complain about dumb nonsense and other shit, however for the most part I love the life I live. I have great friends and family that don’t always agree with my decisions but support them nonetheless and I respect that.

I am going… somewhere. Not exactly sure yet, but somewhere. I want to become something, be something, and in order to do so, I need to straighten up my life, change a few things, and work harder so I can do just that… go somewhere.

I am hoping… for the best. That’s all anyone can ever really do, right?

I am noticing that… my habits are still the same. Whether they are good or bad, they are still the same. Nothing has changed over the years… I am still the same person and always will be, so take me as I am.

We are surrounded by narcissistic individuals. Yeah, and you're considered one too.

Super natural powers are something that most people often wish they possessed. What if it was possible? What if you could experience a super natural power, such as being invisible, or having some kind of super vision that allowed you to see through objects, or even having the ability to fly? Bare with me for a moment now, what if it was possible… what would you choose, and why?

This is something that I have contemplated for a while now. Honestly, it wouldn’t matter what super natural power you choose. Whether it be the ability to see through objects and know what is in a drawer without opening it, or what was in the woman’s purse beside you, or being able to fly around town and not have to worry about traffic, or having the ability to be invisible and hide yourself from the world only when you want. These all sound great, huh? Thing is… if we could choose to have one or more of these super natural powers we would choose them for our own benefit, we wouldn’t choose them for the benefit of others or to assist other individuals… just ourselves. Now you can lie about it all you want and say that you would use your power for the better good of others, but let’s be honest here… you chose the power for a reason, a reason that appealed to YOUR better good. Truth is, as humans, we are selfish. We want what we want, plain and simple. And in the process of obtaining what we want, we don’t give a damn about others. Sad, I know. Someone had to say it though, even if it is expressed through a blog post.

Organize. Collaborate.

As a highly indecisive person, I have been making an abundance of decisions lately. I’ve been “figuring out”, so to say, some changes in my life… what they mean (if they even mean anything at all), how to absorb the information, taking the time to process my reaction, then... doing just that, reacting.

Through my reactions, I’ve noticed myself acting as a Knight, jumping over pawns to bypass certain situations, trying to take a lead in the game just to be taken back by a higher influence. I’ve been the bishop, restricted to moving in only one specific direction. Then there have been days that I feel I must move forward or else the past will haunt me, swallow me, forcing me to move back, again. Other days, I’m the Queen. I can move anywhere, I can do anything, and my opponent surrenders to my upper hand. But then again, we tend to get ahead of ourselves. What we don’t realize is that if we move like a pawn, one (at the most two) step(s) at a time, we’ll have the main component of everything at our summons. Check mate, and I win.

Wish me luck?

Currently, I have a desire to do something more with my life, a desire to show myself. My twentieth birthday is approaching and I feel as if there’s something absent. But hopefully, that’s all about to change. I constructed a short list of things that I’m anticipating to accomplish by the end of the summer. (It felt necessary to put a time constraint on my aspirations, or else that would have been pretty goalless of me.)

So here it is:

1. Play tennis
2. Ride a bike
3. Eat sushi again, it really wasn’t bad.
4. Take a walk (This is the first aspiration to fulfill. It’s been a long while since I’ve had a relaxing walk, a peaceful stroll with the warm sun beating down on you, maybe even a waft of a cool breeze.)
5. Buy pastries from The Bakery. (A French bakery in Huntington, WV)
6. Pass MATH 251
7. Cut my hair (The date for this is already in place.)
8. Get a tattoo
9. Enjoy a good read. (Any suggestions? I’m open to ideas.)

"..And that's all folks.."

You think you have it all figured out, huh?

There are some things in this world that we just cannot change. As unfortunate as it is, it's part of life.

Recently, I have come to realize that I cannot control everything. This is not something that is easy for me to comprehend. I have control issues. Although the one thing I cannot control is myself. The way I feel, the way I speak, the way I move about my life. I have several uncontrollable "bad" habits. Really, truth is.. I could control them, or put a restraint on the them anyways, I just would rather not. It's what I'm used to.. it's what I like.. and most importantly, as fucked up as it all is, it's what makes me happy. And whether you'd like to admit it or not.. you only do what you know too. It's our comfort zone. Nothing to really be ashamed of, we can't help our innate behavior. It's something that is apart of who we are, and will always be.

"Maybe we're not supposed to be happy. Maybe gratitude has nothing to do with joy. Maybe being grateful means recognizing what you have for what it is. Appreciating small victories. Admiring the struggle it takes simply to be human. Maybe we're thankful for the familiar things we know. And maybe we're thankful for the things we'll never know. At the end of the day, the fact that we have the courage to still be standing is reason enough to celebrate."
-Grey's Anatomy